Dear Single Girl,
How are you? Really, how are you?
Perhaps you find yourself feeling down and doubtful? Maybe you find yourself losing hope and faith? Discouraged? Left out and forgotten? Weary and overwhelmed? Perhaps you feels as though your dreams will never come true, that your heart's desire means nothing? That what you've longed for, and especially with it being a very good thing, will never find its way to you. That the life you dream of is never going to become a reality. That you have no real place where you fit in. Maybe you find yourself having trouble holding on to hope and keeping the faith that good things are for you, and maybe you have a hard time believing in those good things, in expecting good things. If you find yourself with any one (or more!) of these thoughts and feelings, know that you are not alone. I'm right there with you. Oh, how I'm right there wondering, doubting, questioning...I know so well how that feels.
And I want to share something from my heart that maybe you can relate to. And, I ask that if you are not single, please read this with an open heart and with kindness and compassion, because this is a message for you, too.
I am a single woman in my early thirties. I am not ashamed to be single, but at the same time, my heart's desire is to be married to a good, honorable, kind, gentle man and eventually, to be a mother. With that said, I am not desperate. I have high standards that I am not willing to waver on. And I have those high standards for a man because I have high standards for myself, and I am not asking any more of him than what I have a desire to give and be myself. While I desire to be married, I am only interested in a marriage with the right man, not just any man. I would rather wait for my chosen one than be in just any old relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I am content in my life and in waiting until I have a peace that the right man comes across my path, then, and only then, will I be willing to say "yes" to marriage.
In many religious and conservative circles, the message to "marry young and have babies" is heavily thrown at young people. And while I am a proponent of marriage and family, I am not a proponent for that particular message. I do very much believe that there is such a thing as marrying too young...I'm not going to be specific about numbers as I don't intend to offend anyone here. But I will say that I believe your late twenties should be the earliest one should even be considering marriage. A young person needs time, without the pressure of a relationship, to learn and develop strong convictions and beliefs and values on important life issues. It's not necessarily about "finding yourself" but rather about becoming strong in what you believe. And yes, that can and does happen many times in your teenage years, but that's under your parents' guidance (hopefully). When you become an adult, you need time to cement those things in place for yourself...without a relationship or marriage adding pressure or influencing you.
And I very much feel that in those circles, the belief is more on marrying young than it is on marrying the right person. Because, let me tell you...there is such a thing as the *wrong* person. I've known of a few young women where this was very evident, and they were rushed into a marriage after barely knowing a guy just because some "good guy" paid them attention. They then got to know him and fall in love with him...*after* they got married. I don't know about you, but that's not at all the kind of relationship and marriage I hope for. I am a firm believer in marrying the right person. I've read many, many times about how a single person thinks they're lonely but how that's nothing compared to being lonely in a marriage. That I can only imagine. And I've also read time and time again that marrying later doesn't kill you, but marrying the wrong person will...speaking figuratively, of course. But I do believe that to be true. It is high time that people stop making women feel like something is wrong with them or like they will never find anyone just because they're past their mid-twenties. It is high time people start emphasizing the right person over marrying young. Wisdom over desperation. Wisdom over impulsivity. Wisdom over pressure from parents, peers, religious communities, etc. Waiting for the right person is wise. Not settling is wise. Being patient is wise.
I cannot speak for single men, because I am not one. But I can speak for single women, so here I go...
It can be darn hard to find a place to fit in. Especially if you're a settled-down, sort of old-fashioned kind of single girl. Hear me out. I'm someone who loves homemaking and more traditional family values and hobbies that don't involve going out to bars or drinking or hitting on guys. I have very firm and set morals and values. And I don't really like the "single girls" groups...it just doesn't suit me or my personality. The problem? I'm single.
You love homemaking and everything pertaining to the home? Cooking and baking and collecting cookbooks? Decorating and thrifting for your home? Making your home a cozy haven? Simply being at home because it's your favorite place to be? Making meal plans and grocery shopping? Learning about nutrition?
You enjoy wholesome hobbies? You want to learn about gardening, holistic wellness, baking from scratch? You believe in reading clean, wholesome, lifegiving books? You love learning about homemaking and family traditions?
All that's fine and dandy. The only problem...I'm single.
It's totally acceptable to enjoy those things if you're married, and better yet, a mother. But a single girl...she just doesn't fit in. She's left out, not included, completely forgotten. And I believe this is a serious problem. I've personally found this exclusion to be very relevant pertaining to those of us single girls who have a heart for the home and family...as if that's only something a married woman with children could have.
I've encountered this both in person and online and just in the books I read, too. In person, a single girl doesn't get invited or included in things. Online, everything is written to "mamas". And in the books, well, they're clearly written for those who have husbands and children. If you're a wholesome, settled-down, home-loving, sort of old-fashioned, more traditional leaning single girl, you just don't fit into these circles.
I read awhile back how a woman experienced this same thing, the only difference was that she was married. She had found out she was pregnant and immediately, everyone started inviting here to this and that, including her in conversations, and wanting her to join in. She was really bothered by this because, to her, it felt fake. Those people clearly didn't want anything to do with her when she was "just" a wife, but now that she was going to be a mother, she could join them. And being "just" a single girl, well, we experience the same thing. Maybe once we become "just" a wife, we'll get included at least a bit. But then when we're mothers, we'll be made to feel like we really belong. But it's not real or genuine, is it?
At Christmastime, I was reading a book about Advent and Christmas and all the traditions and different ideas and so on that go along with celebrating and observing those seasons. I was very excited about this book because it was vey much my cup of tea...homemaking, holidays, traditions, family, cooking, baking, crafting...but I knew that it would be written for wives and mothers, as all those other books are. But, I was surprised in the best way, when as I was reading the introduction, the author clearly wrote that her book was for everyone "regardless of age, marital status or living situation". Dear reader, I could have cried at that simple statement. Finally! Someone who gets it, who understands, who knows that it's not just the wives and mothers who have a heart for the home and for their family. This author knows, I believe, more than her reader might think.
I want to make an argument here that single girls have a place. We are worth our friendship, our input and advice, our conversation, our companionship, our knowledge, our dignity as humans...not based on our marital status, but because we have intrinsic value as a divinely-created person. We may not fully be able to relate to everything discussed in a conversation about marriage or children and motherhood, but I do believe we still have something very valuable to bring to the table.
I believe in multi-generational relationships and communities. I believe in relationships between people of different ages, marital status, and living situations. I believe that we all have something to offer to the other, and one shouldn't be left out because they're too old or too young, or not married, or because they don't have kids.
There are so many times I come across a book or online page or article that really speaks to my heart for the home and family, but it wasn't written for someone like me...someone single. So many books that I love on these topics are wonderful, but there's not even a mention that this could possibly pertain to the single woman just as much as it does the married woman with children. And, in person, I don't even know how to find a place to fit in...single girls aren't included in groups of women (older or younger) who are married and have children and single girls with a heart for the home and family don't often fit into the typical singles group.
I believe society would function a whole lot better if people of all ages and marital statuses made community together, and not segregate them according to their age or marital status. I believe that's what we were meant to do, and I believe it's what was intended for us as humans. I believe that's what community is supposed to be...not singles groups, children's groups, marrieds groups, empty nesters groups, etc. I believe we're meant to do life together, intertwined amongst the generations. I believe that even though we all may not be able to fully relate to every aspect of each other's lives, we can offer support, encouragement, advice or a helpful idea, and just enjoyable conversation to one another. We all have something to offer to others. Even us single girls.
To my fellow single girls who have a heart for your home and family, have you experienced this too?
I've seen it happen before...two girls are both single and friends and then one gets married and the single one is long forgotten, never to be included again. I don't want to be that person. One day, when I'm (hopefully!) married, I don't want to find myself forgetting the single girls. The empty nesters. The widowed older woman. And the men, too...but I can't speak for their experiences, so I don't know exactly what they feel. I want those people to feel included, and very much welcome and needed in the circle of people I surround myself with. So help me God, I do not want to make them feel left out or forgotten or less than just because they are of a different marital status or age than me. Because I know what that feels like, and I don't want to pass that on to another person. And even now, as a single woman, I want my circle of kindred spirits to be based on shared interests, common values and morals, enjoyable conversation, not on marital status or age.
All of this right here is one reason why I have a blog and why I write a lot about home and family and traditions and all the things I mentioned here today. Because I want a place for women to be able to come, regardless of their age or marital status, and be able to find a place where they belong among kindred spirits who have a heart for those same things. And to the author of that book that I read in December, who compassionately understood that not just wives and mothers have a heart for home and family, thank you for not leaving us single girls out. She probably didn't intend for those few words to have such an impact, but I have never, in all the non-fiction books I've read on the topic of home and family and traditions, seen single women be included in the intended audience.
Quite a few years back, I was reading a Christmas novel by Robin Jones Gunn, and in it she was writing a scene of an older, married woman having a conversation with a younger, single woman. And the older woman told the younger woman, "You are a woman drawn to home and hearth. Never doubt the happiness such simplicity can bring you." And ever since, that has been one of my most favorite quotes and one that I think about often. Because as a single woman, it spoke to me, in that I, too, am drawn to home and hearth, and I know the happiness that such simplicity brings. I felt seen. I felt like someone gets it. And I've remembered that quote many times. Because, despite the exclusion that we experience, there are many, many of us single girls who have a heart for home and family. And we have just as much to bring to the table of friendship and community and relationship as a woman with a husband and children does. Some of what we may bring might be different from hers, but it's valuable just the same. And, she has much to offer to us as well. And that is what I wish more of us could experience and embrace. The wisdom and goodness and richness of multigenerational friendships and community.
Finally, I want to emphasize that having a heart for home and family is not limited to wives and mothers. Furthermore, just because a woman is a wife and/or mother does not mean that she has a heart for home and family. Along with that, having a heart for home and family is not limited to women who desire marriage and/or motherhood. There are plenty, plenty of women out there who do not have a desire for marriage or motherhood or both, and yet, they have a deep love and sincere heart for their homes and families. Neither is better than the other. We all have our own paths to take and stories to live out. And going even further, family is not limited to mother, father, and children. Family doesn't just equal marriage and parenthood. Grown children and their parents and siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and even very close friends...they're all family. And I believe each and every person in a family has a special, needed, valuable role in that family. This is another reason why I believe in multi-generational relationships, and it is also why I do not share most of my beliefs on family and such because they are very counter-cultural and definitely not the norm. I believe family and home are the single most important things there are, and I believe in families doing life together, regardless of age or marital status. I believe in putting family first, above any and all. And I believe home is the most important place on earth, and that all of life should be centered around and from the home, not the other way around. I believe in having family values that actually have substance and tangible evidence of them...you can't imagine how many times someone has told me how strong their "family values" are, and yet the way they live is the complete opposite. I believe in walking the walk, not just talking the talk.
If you've made it through this entire post, thank you for being here. I hope my message was conveyed in love and kindness...and that if you are a single girl who can relate to any of what I wrote, you're not alone. It is not wrong or bad to still desire those good things, such as marriage and motherhood, while at the same time being thankful and content with what you have right now. It's not a bad or wrong thing to hope and dream and expect those good things...but to only desire them when it's the right person. And it's also not bad or wrong to have high standards and to stick to them. I think every single girl who holds to them will be very thankful that she did when her story plays out in it's good and right way. And, finally, I want to remind you of the wisdom of an old Irish proverb...what is for you will not pass you by. That is something I very much believe in with all things in life...trust your story, trust your timing, trust your journey. Don't worry about anything because it's already all taken care of...you just have to trust and be hopeful. And let the good things come.
Bless you, dear reader. May your day be filled with the happiness that home and hearth bring!
